This Thursday, on September 22, Judge and I went out to Kroger to buy a pregnancy test. Before we bought the pregnancy test, we went to Chili’s to celebrate the scary and exciting moment. We had been joking about “Jaguar Johnson” all week, since my period was late for over seven days. It was fun to joke and fun to imagine.
I use this App named Clue and its very accurate about when I am about to begin. I also track every time we have sex on the App and according to technology, there was only a 2.7 percent chance I was pregnant. So honestly it was all a joke, until Judge looked at me at Kroger and said, “I am pretty sure you are pregnant.” I am not sure why Judge was so sure, but he rarely says things flippantly… so I believed him. He then spent the whole dinner throwing out different baby names. He was so excited, and I was staring at the wall silently… not sure at all how I felt.
“Oliver… Thomas… Randall… why are you talking to me? Why do we go to dinner if we don’t talk? Katie?”
I just enjoyed my steak and mashed potatoes in silence. It was SO much to process. Like a life to process. Like a whole life.
If I was a mother, I would die a mother. I’d always be a mother. I’d never stop being a mother.
Judge has always known he desperately wanted to be a father. Before we got married, we had a meal where I had to promise to give him one, biological child. I always wanted to adopt all the babies – officially or unofficially.
I’m fascinated by the ability of women to grow life inside of them – but I have so many students I feel responsible for pouring into right now. It was hard for me to imagine that I would have to give them less love in order to love the life growing inside of me.
Would I continue to work? Would I continue to teach? I never wanted to work and be a mom. I just wanted to be a stay at home mom like mom.
But I wasn’t read to leave Cedar yet. I feel so invested in so many students lives. These are the things we fought about coming home from Kroger with a pregnancy test in hand. I told Judge I didn’t want to do both, be a mom and teacher, but I was already grieving the thought of leaving my students behind. So many emotions and so many tears. Judge has one year of school left after the baby will be born in May, and then where would we raise a child?
As soon as we can, I want to move out of this townhouse we live in. Would we buy a house? Or should we rent so Judge can accept any job offer when he graduate? It seemed we had to figure out all these questions in a 10 minute drive home.
I knew once I peed on that stick, and really knew the truth my life would change forever. Was I ready to face the truth? I felt guilty that I wasn’t as ecstatic as Judge. I just needed peace. I needed to hear from God. I held it for a long time, until I was going to explode.
When I finally took the pregnancy test, I left the results on the sink and went to lay down on the guest bed with Judge. I did the good ol- open the Bible test to wherever it lands open. That always works for me.
I opened to Psalms 47: 4
Clap your hands, all you nations;
shout to God with cries of joy.
2 For the Lord Most High is awesome,
the great King over all the earth.
3 He subdued nations under us,
peoples under our feet.
4 He chose our inheritance for us,
the pride of Jacob, whom he loved.[b]
5 God has ascended amid shouts of joy,
the Lord amid the sounding of trumpets.
6 Sing praises to God, sing praises;
sing praises to our King, sing praises.
7 For God is the King of all the earth;
sing to him a psalm of praise.
8 God reigns over the nations;
God is seated on his holy throne.
9 The nobles of the nations assemble
as the people of the God of Abraham,
for the kings[c] of the earth belong to God;
he is greatly exalted.
I was suddenly overwhelmed with peace. This was not a freak 2.7 % chances accident. Certainly, we had planned to wait until Judge was done his Masters Program before we had a baby. The Lord so graciously was letting me know that he had chosen our inheritance for us, and that I didn’t have to be scared. I could rejoice over this little life inside of me.
I crept inside of the bathroom and finally looked. I could NOT believe when I saw two double lines. I couldn’t believe I had been a mom for 5 weeks already. I started hysterically crying and came outside and sat with Judge. “Your a dad and I’m a mom.” It felt so surreal, like we were in a movie.
Judge didn’t know what kind of tears I was crying. They were good tears. Overwhelmed and excited tears and also, tears for my students.
On Saturday, we went to a conference called “Experiencing the Heart of the Father” It focused on adoption, foster care and parenthood. After the very first song, Kelsy Alligood came up to me and said she was given a word,
” I have a word for your kids – I am no sure if its your biological kid or your students. God says that you need to stop worrying about giving justice to your kids. While they watch you, they see what they deserve. They see justice in you.”
That’s exactly what I needed to hear. The Lord knew exactly why I was holding back from rejoicing 100%. Suddenly, I realized that justice is given to my students at Cedar Shoals by Jesus. I didn’t need to worry about giving them justice. Through me, they would see what they deserve. Through me loving my baby, they will see what they deserved. Through my loving my baby, they will see justice and love.
Michael Ketterer sang the Hillsong Song right at that moment that I just sobbed to and released all my financial fears, my fears with Cedar, my fears about travelling and adventure and houses and Afghanistan,
“I have a plan for you. I have a plan for you. It’s going to be wild, it’s going to be full of me.”
We are having a baby in late May. Like, its going to grow inside of me and then come out of me. What?