A day in my bed


When Jessica is slightly sad, she cries. I have learned this is healthy. I am not healthy. I bottle things up, and I learned that I lie in bed for hours and never properly deal with my feelings.

Last week was amazing, memorable, exciting and adventurous but it was also emotional draining for many reasons. Most memorably, Judge woke up a week ago  paralyzed and could not walk. I received this news from Jessica via a Viber text at an Italian cafe where I was eating cookies and espresso.  I cried a little bit right away, but I pulled myself together and adventured with Lauren the next week all over Rome, Oxford and London. We had so many adventures planned and I had no time to process. There was no time to be sad.

Judge had emergency surgery on Thursday and is doing really well now. He is sore and can’t go back to work for two weeks, but he’s walking around and in good spirits… He’s in a better place than he has been in a year because he’s not in constant back pain!

So, I couldn’t figure out for the life of me why yesterday and today I couldn’t get out bed. I planned to go to breakfast, but stayed in my bed until 4 PM in the afternoon doing nothing at all. Finally, when I couldn’t get ahold of Judge due to the time differences I finally just sobbed for a good hour. I laid on the ground, and cried like a baby. That I couldn’t be there for him as he recovers. That he has two weeks off from work and I wish I could be the person to look after him and feed him. That there is a large chance he can’t come to England May 10th anymore. That I might not be able to show him Oxford. I cried and cried.

Then I was fine. I was ready to tackle the world again. I was finally able to get out of bed, clean the house of the law student’s dishes and attempt to begin my academic work.

I just needed to cry. I could have saved myself so much wasted time if I had just cried yesterday. When did I become so emotionally stunted?

It seemed I had many unprocessed emotions lingering since Rome and when I let them all out into the world through my tears, everything was okay again.

The sunny day in Oxford turned to a thunderstorm right at that moment. The house cooled down, the law students returned from their finals and  everything was right in the world.

After a comforting meal of Indian curry, warm nan and a chocolate chip cookie I am ready to do life here in Oxford again. On to the second month.


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