Vulnerability

 On one of Judge’s applications lately, they asked him “What’s the number one questioned you want answered?” I laughed when he sent me a picture message with the answer actually written on his application, “what in the world is going on in my girlfriend’s head?” For some reason, I’m often scared to open up to him about what’s flowing through my mind’s circuits. Even now, fifteen months later.

All girls know they do it. We get quiet. We shut-down. We expect our guys to read our minds. And when they don’t, we feel like this.  I suppose this all stems from wanting to be pursued and known, but really these actions also stem from fear & stubborness. Men can’t chase us and break-down our walls every second. My dad always consistently reminded me with guys, “Katie, they really never have any clue what’s going on.” Much to woman’s dismay, men are not good at subtleties. When they ask you how you are and you quickly respond “fine” or “okay,” it takes them awhile to figure out your actually pissed & frustrated.  Women operate in the world of small gestures, little details, minor words that speak HUGE messages. Guys respond to  blatant here’s–how-I-am-feeeling words & tears, that are SO necessary in a relationship. We need to compromise, , sometimes we need to get on their level.

Instead, I want to grasp tightly, I want to poke, I want to distract, I want to weave in circles, I want to distort, I want to possess, I want to control.There are so many things undone, unpacked circling round and round in my mind, and the loose ends are not for exposure. They are to be hidden until perfectly wrapped with a thesis statement.

What ifs,

I don’t understands,

I’m confused,

I don’t know if I can,

I want more than one thing at once,

I don’t have a plan,

I feel empty,

I feel lonely,

I am not happy with who you are who I am

…those thoughts aren’t given a public stage.

The firstweeks of meeting me, many people think that I am shy, reserved or maybe just shut-down. I build safety nets and walls. I don’t just post my blog everywhere. I am only funny with a couple people. I don’t have phone conversation in front of another person.  I am afraid of letting my mess get on others. I certainly don’t hold conversations in elevators. I have to be on top. I have to decided when and where and how and for how long. I wait, I watch, I let myself go only after I decide I know that person, that they are worthy of myself.

Judge had a dream the other night that he was sitting with me on the couch, but I didn’t look like myself. I had blond hair and Asian eyes. In the dream I kept on poking him over and over, mostly on his forehead. Then I creepily told him, “you are mine.” Learning not to control is a hard lesson.

God reminded me on Sunday that I write poetry about something I don’t understand or someone I am still trying to figure out. Beauty and magic always result as a result of vulnerability, openess and the not-knowing, the not possesing. It’s always better to lost control and to give it to God, or to give it to Judge.

This weekend I was struggling with thoughts, or rather emotions I wasn’t having, that I felt I should be having. I wasn’t feeling romanced. I wasn’t feeling in love. I was feeling like Judge’s best friend, and not like someone he was in love with. At El Azteca I finally decided I had to tell him what was going on in my heart.

Scary things.Barely make eye contact, put on cute voice, spit it out. Wait for some uncalculated unpredictable response.

We live in two different cities. We don’t touch like we use too.  We become complacent. We assume the other is losing interest. We fear the loss of all secrets and mysteries.

I stared into those comfortable brown eyes, when he tells me why he is in love and what it feels like to him, where he snips at me for my tight-wad uptight demeanor and hard as hell shell which makes it impossible to pursue. We ended up laughing outside in the grass under the lilac.

“You know what, Katie, sometimes you don’t make me feel in love either and I feel small and under-appreciated but I just suck it up because..uh, I enjoy looking at you.”

And in the midst of the  hilarious honesty, I felt all those magical feelings again rising up outside of my favorite restaurant. The things you ar never suppose to say, “I don’t feel in love with you.” are okay to say outloud. Judge handles my irrational, erratic mood-swings SO-WELL! He is able to discern what spiritual, whats temporary, what’s significant as a result of my honesty.

It was so wonderful to hear about his feelings and not just his plans, it was so pleasant to get the downs as well as the ups. And he lovingly lets me know that this never happens because I refuse to open up, I refuse to let him see the unstitched string.

It’s a choice daily to expose your heart, to open up. To reveal the undiscovered or unexplained. To show the ugly, the doubt, the frustration. It’s a choice, and the result of the choice of the baring of one’s soul& spirit is… you guessed it, feeling in love.

Here’s to commitment and the expression of love even when you don’t feel it.

Here is to longevity, patience and exposure.

Here is to El Azteca, the greatest place in the world to have a spirit-led conversation.

Here’s to being in love.

 

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