Kissing in the light

I love kissing.  There are some emotions you feel that just can’t be articulated, and that’s saying a lot coming from me, the ENFJ, English major who “relies heavily on my verbal fluency,” according to Myers-Briggs. In moments where language falters, your lips can fashion something apt.  Kissing is poetry and it doesn’t entirely make sense. Two lips touching, mouths exploring, all at your disposal

It takes awhile to know someone and the way they love to be kissed, and to figure out how you enjoy kissing together. I am told that kissing a stranger is like small talking to a stranger,  shallow and meaningless.  Kissing just anybody “makes you feel like a machine and lifeless.” In other words, physicality without emotional intimacy is hallow. It leaves you hungry. So boundaries are continually pushed back in an effort to grasp for enough. So, sadly kissing has been swept under the rug by the church, because kissing might lead to sex. Kissing has become the initial launching ground for immorality. I believe in a God who can “draw the boundary lines in pleasant places (Psalms 16)” This might be shocking to my readers who know me as the person who never has been moderate in any sense of the word. I do everything all the way, all the time. I don’t abide by rules and I don’t understand schedules or boxes.  So, if kissing is painted as the initial step before sex – I’m afraid that I can’t kiss at all.

The Holy Spirit recently ransomed the act of kissing for me. I really appreciate His  work in my life (very much so), and I feel the need to give him glory for that. Hence, this explicit blog post. “In your presence, O Lord, is the fullness of joy – in your right hand, O God, are pleasures forever more.”

Luckily, the Lord is good and the Lord gives us guidelines that we can follow effortlessly, while we look at His face. Really, I don’t like even calling them guidelines, more like  rooms.  You can learn about the Father’s heart in the most peculiar ways, and I promise that through kissing I have learned soooo much. And somehow all these clichés are suddenly gaining meaning!

“Kiss me with the kisses of your mouth, O Lord.”

Did not the creator form mankind by the final act of a kiss? He breathed his life into Adam and Eve and they sprung into being. I like to imagine the beginning of creation to look more like a tender kiss than CPR, even though it does say God breathed in Adams nostrils. We’ll just run with my metaphor.

Kissing;  the epicenter of breath. language.

Kissing leads you to  Surrender. Vulnerability. Submission.  Teachability. Flexibility. Compromise. Intimacy

Eyes-wide-shut.

My favorite kissing time was in broad daylight in my church parking lot.I remember before Judge kissed me I was led to pray in my head, “Lord, let this time be for the up-building of your church.” It felt slightly strange to pray this, but here I was in a church parking lot and I did feel the Lord’s hand on us and the experience – and I feel that anything the Lord touches is going to somehow bring him glory and bless other people in the meantime. We started kissingas the sunlight was beaming on our faces. It was a fully human experience, and at the same time intensely spiritual. Instead of kissing anonymous lips, I was kissing a man who I adored. I sat on his lap and was fully loved on for being who I am, Katie Baker. I was in no way degraded and no way used. I was fully myself, and truly cherished, right there.

After kissing, I had no desire for anything more.  I was completely satisfied and felt that I could be happy just kissing Judge for the rest of my life. How often have we sung, “Lord, You are more than enough for me!” If the Lord is the fulfillment of all our desires – then if we invite Him into a kiss , we will be happy just kissing.

On the other hand, the moments you don’t invite the Holy Spirit  into, are by definition, not worshipful. Judge works an internship from 12-8 PM every week day and that often means that we see each other in the nighttime. Judge set our curfew at 1 am every night, but we started “forgetting” to look at clocks when we knew it was past our time to be together. We started to fall asleep on the couch together. Slowly the innocent  kissing times did turn into passionate, over-indulgent, and fleshy experiences.  Not to say they were unrestrained. Judge and I were following all the rules, but I found myself bored with the boundaries the Lord had established, and found in me an ever increasing desire for more than I was allowed. Though both Judge and I firmly know we won’t be having sex, our kissing became more sexualized and left me feeling hollow. Though I had no intention of having sex, I allowed my body to believe that it could – in other words, I felt in my flesh the desire to do more, to go further. It seemed like in an instant we left the bounds of holy, into a realm where the fire ignites on immediate contact.

On several occasions, kissing reached this level and I grew angry at how quickly “my body’ could turn against my spirit, of course removing myself from responsibility. One night, as we were kissing I heard the Lord whisper in my ear, “Will you choose righteousness?” I pushed aside the gentle nudging of the Father and found myself, once again,  turned on. I felt like a poison. Suddenly, Judge and I separated and awkwardly resumed hanging up clothes in my room. Abruptly, I looked at Judge and declared that I wanted to stop kissing. After that night, I felt a great need to run away and isolate myself. I wanted to hide myself and my body from the world. I was content to lay in my bed the next two days. I wanted to seclude my problem and suck out the poison myself. I had brought down Judge and myself as a result of my grabbing hands and over-zealous personality. I was ready to to quit physicality and emotional commitment.

What resulted was  twelve days of no kissing. When we decided to embark on this, we weren’t sure for how long this would last. There was a portion of the fast where I decided I was going Joshua Harris style and never kissing again till my wedding day. This is such a typical reaction, by the way, once sin arises to swing the pendulum in the opposite direction to a complete shut-down on joy and fun. Very Puritan, but it doesn’t sound to me like the Holy Spirit.

Judge and I were at El Azteca (the Mexican place walking distance from our casa also my second kitchen) when he gently showed me how my views of myself and my sexuality were incredibly warped. I had no idea that I believed  lies that I was overly  sexual, manipulative and poisonous to him and anyone. But I did believe I was “corrupted” in my mind and my heart and had accepted the fact that though I stayed physically pure, my spirit and mind were so “experienced” that nothing was new to me (or ever would be). I had lived in the world too long and seen and heard too many stories. I gained a sense of pride and therefore isolation from my “education.” I blamed my physicality, body-type and personality for the sexualization of our time together. Judge mirrored the Father’s sadness that I  believed the lies that I was tainted. Through Judge prayers and insights, I was shown that I am still a little child in my Father’ eyes. I stopped light-heartily calling myself a “whore” and started believing that I was innocent, that I wasn’t exposed. I really had been protected and favored and saved. I don’t have the space or time to fully comment on this transformation and how its changed my actions and views, but needless to say I was rocked. Another blog, for another time that doesn’t really exist in my schedule =)

One night, I was ranting and raving to Judge about my disdain of rules. I didn’t want any rigid guidelines set that were just going to feel guilty breaking later.  As I was going on and on about how dating is unnatural, and blaming my body for its faults, he stopped me, “Are you done yet?” Then he told me we were only going to have one rule in our relationship, “I am going to protect you and you are going to protect me, because that sounds more like love.” Thinking about boundaries and wanting to break them is a completely selfish ambition. Restraining yourself is hard, where as protecting someone you care about is not difficult. My whole prospective shifted. Being entangled by guidelines only revealed that I was only focusing on was myself, my desires, my lust.

That week I was reading in the word from Ephesians 5:

Walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.  But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people…  For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a person is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient.  Therefore do not be partners with them. For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord.  Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.  It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.”

I began to think that maybe Ephesians 5 reference to light and darkness wasn’t purely metaphorical. The Lord ransomed kissing for me with a fairy-tale idea. Only kiss in the daytime. Simple enough, but so freeing. For some reason when the sun is shining, it is easy to remember we are children of the light. It is easier to protect. Kissing is just that, kissing. The Lord’s guidance isn’t stifling, but rather fun and freeing. I feel beautiful when I kiss in the light and I feel like Cinderella when the sun is setting. For some reason, when the sun is shining I am able to keep my hips from his hips. I’m okay receiving and closing my eyes in total trust and surrender. The whole process makes me feel more beautiful and childlike  – no longer do I feel like a temptress. I’m free in a completely different meaning of the word.

Edit April 2012: I am not saying these rules or boundaries are right for everyone. Some people really are called to never kiss in their relationship, and I think that’s wonderful! Everyone has different histories, different struggles, different views and backgrounds and I in no mean want this post to say that Judge & I physical boundaries are right. However, this is where God led me in this moment and it’s fun to serve a living God who doesn’t write down archaic guideleines that never shift by person or by moment. Sin is sin is sin. However, some things like kissing are undefined. Yes, we need to flee from sexual immorality but sometimes a complete shut-down of physicality can lead to an obsession about fearing physicality and sin which results in a mental prison, or such a shut-down can lead to religious pride. Every season in Judge and I year and a half relationship has been differnet. This time we weren’t kissing in the night, sometimes we aren’t kissing at all, some months we truely haven’t wanted to kiss, some seasons it’s all we want to do. Since I wrote this blog we’ve messed up, we’ve wondered, we’ve been flexible. In all moments in our relationship, we’ve been able to access, be convicted and repent. In all our phases in our life, it’s cool to know we serve a living Lord who judges the intentions of the heart and doesn’t care about the outer appearance of man and woman. Where is your heart? Are you reading this blog and are gladbecuase it’s given you an excuse to break boundaries the Lord established in your life? Always remember he judges the motives of the heart, the rest is just details or an outward expression of inward beliefs.

Jesus sets the boundary lines in pleasant places and I again feel like a little girl, loving love.  Did I mention yet, that I love to kiss? I do, I do, I do.

3 thoughts on “Kissing in the light

  1. Pingback: The Stones

  2. Pingback: St. Valentine’s Day |

  3. Pingback: Kissing Part II |

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