You know those moments in life… when you want to hold your breath and tiptoe on a thin line because the moment is so glorious, and your experiencing so much joy and peace – that if you move an inch, you may lose the perfection.
That’s utterly ridiculous, I know. I rest in His hands and he is the Prince of Peace and at his right hand is joy forevermore.
But here I sit in my papason, listening to “Faithful Is Our God” by Hezekiah Walker – after a wonderful night with Judge including cooking dinner together, reading old journals, a walk with rebel and listening to high school playlists. I am all alone in the house, with Rebel (my dog). And to make this night even more magical, I am about to get to read the second part of the Odysseus and some Irish literature *bliss*
So, all the to say I am living in what seems like the peek of my life. I keep on thinking maybe I’m about to start the descent. This is also a completely ridiculous, because in this walk with the Lord he takes us to higher heights and his mercies are new every morning.
But still… I am just trying to fully jump into the moment, to let two feet leave the ground a la the opposite of a Regina Spector song. Earlier in December, the Lord impressed on me, “Your looking out a window into heaven – you’re not there yet. I’m the shatterer of windows and the the healer of hearts.” At first I wondered what on earth that meant, it seemed against the gospel. All I preach and know is asking heaven to come down to earth now. All the sudden it clicked tonight. I told Judge that sometimes, even on the most perfect moments – I have a hard time fully giving myself to them, its like I am not living 100% in the moment. This is extremely annoying for a girl who prides herself on loving life more than anyone on this planet. I felt in someway disconnected from the romance with Judge. I realized that a lot of it was a defense mechanism from hurt in the past. I prayed about it with my wonderfully wise and amazing discipler, Ciera and tonight, I got to fully jump into the romance, swim in the river and enjoy the free fall. Eyes closed. I am no longer looking through the window, he shattered my windows and has healed my heart.
It’s strange having this house tonight all by my self. Me and the Holy Spirit.
Gosh, have I gushed enough yet about how freakin’ sweet the Lord is – taste him! Taste him! He is sooo good.
So, I am listening to good ol Gospel right now, as I prior mentioned. Partly, because I just joined Hill Chapel’s choir this week and am beyond stoked about that. I am made to be in that choir, worshipping with these people. Imagine the long purple robes, and the black women with the grey hair rocking the tenor section. O yeah, It really is my idea of the best time.
“Faithful is our God. I’m reaping the harvest God promised me, take back what the devil stole from me, and I rejoice today – I shall recover it all.”
All last year, I had numerous prophecies spoken over me that the Lord had been building this huge bonfire, and he was about to light the match. The 2009-2010 was an incredibly lonely, painful and confusing time for me. All sorts of sin was rising to the surface, as the Lord revealed to me how wrong and manipulated my views of love were.
And as destructive and self-depleting as that year was – I did hold on to the promise that he was building that bonfire. And this year, living in this house, on this glorious hill – the match hit the tender and an epic fire is burning. The African American church seems to focus a great deal on reeping and sowing ( I mean so does scripture). I have heard countless times, “God will not be mocked, a man reeps what he sows.” Is it wrong of me to say that this year I do feel like I am reaping the harvest of the righteous life he has called me to live since I was a child. I am finally receiving from him – like a waterfall – all the things that most people experienced 8 years ago.
And the timing is absolutely perfect. Falling in love now with a man and not a boy is so perfect. But as I read the Odysseus now for the first time since I was a freshmen in high school I think about the me that read this epic before. If you were to tell my 14 year old self that I would have to wait 8 years to experience true love, honor and respect from a man of God- I would have told you I couldn’t wait that long. . It is by the grace of God and his strong hand that I am on this path of joy, freedom, purity and complete surrender that I am walking on right now.
As they say at Hill Chapel (constantly), “If it wasn’t for God on my side…”
I just found this verse that Judge left me on my bed, as he does often on a white note card (that was a bragging- on- my- boyfriend moment, am I allowed to have one of those?)
“Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken, but endures forever. As the mountains surround Jerusalem, so the Lord surrounds his people both now and forevermore.” Psalms 125: 1-2
Bah, so freakin’ appropriate.
I need to give away some of this love, some of this peace, some of this wholeness. I am whole. My joy is made complete.
These gifts from the Father are for this whole world. Every single person. Every wonderful person I went to Hun with. Every Middle Easterner I met in my travels. Every beautiful ebony child in Kenya. The whole world.
Why is that the most ridicolous thought? We have the richest of inheritance in Christ Jesus – by his death and resurrection – and I finally have stepped into that window, the heavenlies. I am giving in and receiving and swimming in the river.
He tastes so good. His faithfulness – his plan. Yall, righteousness and purity are sooo much more full of freedom and substantial and remaining joy and peace, than lust and unrestrained passion.
His ways are higher.
The Lord has been speaking my language. Well He always does, but I’ve been listening better. He speaks to me in poetry and most of the times outside of the church. In landscape and words and colors. He tells me about moments before they happen. Like the ices-skating and the black dress. He is so fun. Yall, the Lord is the author of fun and life.
So many ways, his words spoken over me are lining up. I want to feel him everywhere – from the top of my spine to the bottom of my feet. Please, Holy Spirit!
This is magic. Life inside of the creator of life. His hand, His voice, His heart, His plan, His gifts. Although it does take a LONG time. Patience, I so need more patience. But even when I don’t have it – somehow he distracts me.
Spiking and rotting, lust and manipulative self-centered love takes you so high and brings you so low.
But this gradual incline with the Saviour is eternal, and its taking me right up to eternity – into the heavenlies, right now. I’m stepping into the window right now.
This is never gonna stop. This party, this joy, this overwhelming filling feeling. No more scraps, were dining at the table.
Kiss me with the kisses of Your Mouth. Speak into me your word, your breath. Singe me skin.
Come Lord Jesus, come. I want the supernatural, I want healings and more of your goosebumps all down my body when I can feel you in a room. More people coming to see Your face and seeing you move in this wary earth.
Move, unleash. Unleash me, Lord
These gifts are for everyone. He wants to give them to us all.