Antique thoughts

From my journals 2010

August 31: The next boy that the Lord allows me to love, I pray I speak all the time and feel 100% myself, in my own skin.

September 17: Whitey and Judge come over – later all girl watched Fried Green Tomatoes. I leave Doc Che’s the next day to meet Daddy, we unload bed and china cabinet with Judge. Dad has an amazing time. That night, Sarah Gordon, Aaron, Judge, Pete, Dad and I go to mexican. Beautiful atmosphere, great guacamole, didn’t eat my tacos. Later, Judge and I are at our house – sooo good – so fun, maybe a bit flirty, but real friends. Sarah and Judge in the dining room and later in my bedroom – Nat turner and Katie Younkers. Judge eating his keys, so worried about admitting his idol is his wife. Mine is interior decorating and pictures (?).  The next morning, Judge, Sarah, Jessica, dad and I go to Mammas boy – it was perfect.

October 4: Sushi, laugher, Harold’s laugh. I love all four of them more than most – Lord, thanks for ignoring my initial underestimation of Judge (lots of dreams lately, touching. Treating him like a father. I feel safe.) Him wanting to help me over the fence and holding Rebel. Driving with Judge alone from Two Story – Basement with Judge alone – what’s going on?

October 13: Judge, Irby, Taylor, Jessica, Rebel and I walk in the graveyard- resurrection, “What’s true” such a lovely Sunday afternoon. Irby wants us to go to Grace Midtown. Eventually I decide to be sporadic andwrite my paper later – good choice. Slept on the way there- Irby and Jessica talk. Church felt like a concert – sad, I wasn’t filled. But Taylor, Judge, Jessica and I going to pick up Pete – just like old times, Judge drove our car again (I feel the need to touch him) Submission? Mcdonalds is so much fun. Taylor wants to buy our lunch.  I interrupt Judge’s man cave story. Sassy. Hopefully not to obnoxious. Lord, you blessed me so much! Thank you fro all the amazing beautiful people you placed in my life – I hope one day I can visit Europe again, but this year has been good.

November 8th, ” Father, I love dangling with you, I love trusting in You for protection – I love living in this amazing freedom. I love chilling with Wes, Braden, Judge, Alex, Richard, and Dave. Lord, you do it all. I love dangling in heels and a vintage skirts. I love downtown. I love the culture. I love Ciera. And all these good gifts come from You. I really am a new being – vulnerable, talking to Grey Beard – continue to lead me into acting like a  child of the Most High God. Continue to enslave me to righteoussness. And your Spirit -with my desire for you overwhelming my desire for the faucet. You took me out of a miry place- and set my feet upon a rock.

Lord, thank you so much for Judge. Thank you his loyalty and dependability. Thank you for his goodness and kindness. Set the boundaries in pleasant places. Help me to be respectful of  his relationship with You. I love this – it’s true. I love that he’s there to protect me and make fun of me and cook for me and share a burger with me. Jesus, let me be fair.

November 15 Jesus, thank you for this amazingly blessed life! Jazz music, dangling, not chasing, not being the pathetic girl. “Great is thy faithfulness, morning by morning new mercies I see!” This moment of peace – of mine and your story of not reading the Tempest quite yet. Of men who really listen to me, of not being a projection of my real self. Of Cafeteria ladies “who know”. Of awkward silences at trappezze, with real truth, of vulnerability- that I know now. To dangle. That boys think that I am beautiful (why aren’t all girls? How is that fair?) Thank you for post-modern ideas.

Jesus, be more real. Astound me with your tangibility. Teach me how to listen better – fill Lauren up to the overflowing. Thank you so much for this community- I cannot wait for more time – more moments like this, more culture, and beauty, and “deep breath sigh” Sorry, Lord, for how I acted when I didn’t’ have a space – be my space, be whom I crawl into. What are we doing, where are we going? [Wes Kent breaks in and remembers details] Trappeze tonight is good, I open up so much more. He’s a great guy- but he’s a guy.

Where is the African circle worshipper s0 filled with freedom, kindness, and joy?

November 17: Last Night Judge and I walked home alone together and I was completely comfortable – what a contrast! I think of how strange it was at Jittery Joes last fall – is that because of the patience and time Judge has put in or the way you have changed me, Lord?

November 19: Lord, thank you for all the guys and all the peace last night. Phil. Hunter. Pete. Judge. Jesse. Thank you so much that Judge turns back, thank you for Matt’s quiet voice, and Phil’s freedom and vulnerability. Lord, I believe you are for me.

November 21: Thank you for this morning. Thank you for family; Judge, Pete, and Jessica. Thank you for Mamma’s Boy and Grey Beard. Thank you for how far I am from last spring and how much you changed me. Thank you for Mr. Rebel – and the magic of horseback riding with Amanda, Lauren and Jessica. Olive Garden. Felicia. Ping Pong. Competition that sparks attraction.

Protect me as I dive into this paper – save me from any spirits in the name of Christ Jesus. Protect my heart and spirit. come Holy Spirit of the Living God – fall fresh on me – in Starbucks. Put a fire under me to compel me to work in your name, for your honor. Fill me to the fullness – give me visions and new tongues. Pray in the spirit always. Release my blessings in the heavenlies. <3, Katie Baker (Your daughter. Dangly and vulnerable)

November 23: I’ve gone to the extreme with thinking too much – reel me back in, friend. Jesus, could me and you work on the friend thing?

He wins me over by the beauty of his character.

Elberton was empty- Jesus, we are getting into dangerous territory- and yet, i am never scared. Protect his heart and mine. Stop this now, if this is not meant to be. Too much texting – no boundaries. Too many naps. Father, give me a word of prophecy tonight about my future. Be the man of Nazareth- meet me in the details. I need to know you.

I am in my own little corner, Lord. Come meet me here – our corner, our story, our intimacy, our secret place. Deliever me from evil, from any spirits – s0 I may not sin again you. I’m in love with Jesus Christ the Nazarene. Guide me, speak to me, even now let me feel that I am inside you – All consuming fire, burn in me. I dance with my feet and I say, come and hold me Lord.

“I want you for myself awhile longer!”

Jesus, I am playing with fire – am I playing with his heart? I want to be a woman of integrity – of purity, I am consecrated in oath to God. I have hated these fake two days of texts. All I know is that I don’t know. I could give him a night. Suspension is stupid. Bah, too long. It rotted. You certainly don’t get to hang out with me alone tonight, no sir. How can I be over it so quick – because it grew fake. too long. Stupid, he missed his shot. Did he, Jesus? I surrender all.

November 25: Father, holy shnikeys, “I have had feeling for you.” Really? gah. Where did this come from? You guide this whole fast decision with Your peace- I know I’ll read this entry and know how it turned out. Do I hurt him? Do we stay friends? How long does this last? So so dangly. Help me not to run in my mind already. Help me to abide in my trust of you. Did I know what I was getting myself into – should I be worried at all of the gravity of the situation? No, no, no. The peace that followed me all the way to Fayetville and then Charleston, ” With everything, with everything – I will shout for your praise.”  I didn’t want to be restless any longer – no more dance- no grey zones. “I tend to be a bitch when I am one on one with a guy… Judge, do you think that I lead you on?” It’s just one date, one day at a time. “Do not worry about tomorrow..” You just opened doors like that, and in all my discord you just whispered “GRACE” Lord, please give me the butterflies – the passion – the magic – the deep attraction somehow. We can have fun flirting, but Holy Spirit, do I touch him? I don’t know. Abide in my peace. Rest and don’t worry at all. Rest (please Jesus).

November 26: I get so mean when I’m scared. Hey, Lord. How are you? This is an E minor kind of day. Sing me back down. Drive back the spirit of the occult.

Text from Jessica, “You don’t get to be in control of this. You don’t get to know what’s going  to happen. You have to dangle. But, Katie – its going to be awesome. Forget the texts and just remember the freedom of dangling. You are FREE. Stop worrying. God has set you free just dance in it. Judge has to figure things out. Have fun just being you – there has been no commitment. There are no chains. Just submit to what God led you to … FREEDOM. You are free.”

We always prepare for the worse, and its hardly ever bad.

Driving back the spirit of the dominating femle – the spirit of the occult, in Jesus name. And Mary did ponder all these things in her heart. Thank you for my beautiful sister. Thank you for Anne,

“When you finally kiss him, it will be like drinking water.”

November 28, Hill Chapel: You opened doors for me, ones that I can’t see. Father, so true. No clue – God I haven’t even properly thanked you for everything. You are so wonderful, and you show up right on time.  I am so comfortable – so at peace and loving life all at the same time. Last night, Judge took such good care of me. The pretzel- his flannel shirt- teaching me about the game. I comfortably and beautifully dance in his boldness. I have nothing to fear. Seriously, no nerves – ever. Driving lost in a small Georgia town and he just takes care of me and listens to  me and perfectly left me wanting more. I hope he had fun last night.  Dance. Dance. Dance. Lead, guide and direct me.  So much peace, so much freedom – so much feminity so much floral prints, pok-a-dots and lace.

November 29: Sitting in English 4k I don’t feel the depth of your peace anymore- why? Please, Lord, I need your hand in all of this. Without you, I can’t do this. You completely gave me this – threw it on my lap. I need you help to dance in this, without you, Lord I cant do this. Continue to show me that your hand is on this. Yeah, Lord I hope its okay that I am not going to be taken notes today. I simply cannot handle it – I just wanna see your face and be used by You. You are the opener of invisible doors [not me. Don’t fight. Don’t control. rest] All of this is for your gospel, its about your heart breaking in and your light shining in the darkness. And He is Jesus, the man who would hold down my kite. Continue to minister to him confidence and new Spiritual power – more laughter – more living in the skin. Let him stand and dance in you, O Lord. Let me see him dance unrestrained in You- I know you could do that.

Walkers: Are you sure that I’m ready for this? I go crazy- I can’t be moderate or patient. I feel like I have been missing something all day.

Dear Katie, I’m going to bite into you, to latch on deeplly – to graft my esence into your skin. I’m going to have to floor you. I’m going to have to ravish you – and I’m ready. Do you realize that I am the King Of Glory who rides on the clouds? No, you don’t. I will show you. Now angels, touch her belly and let her crave me . More faith! Your looking out a window into heaven- you’re not there yet. I’m the shatterer of windows and the healer of hearts… He’s a mirror of me only, always be looking higher, higher, higher.

Millions of little crystal pieces slowly moving over a grate- screeching sound- look into his eyes and watch him mirror me.

November 30: Wonderful raining, misty walk to my favorite class. Listening to Florence + the Machine. What do you want me to be doing or feeling today? Lots and lots of laughter. Too much with Judge. Texted him twice. First. Dumb. Be a girl, Katie. Be. A girl. Rock me again. I’m ready for more of Your Spirit.

What I want today – NYC, clothing, ice rinks, and frosty breath, people [men in particular] who see me, singing in a choir, Crimes of the Heart on stage, A Sabrina Orah Mark class, steak and culture, and Turkish markets and El Ballad with Katie Mathis. Why do I love this class so much, if I don’t even listen?

Men, ladies know that you like them, or are atleast attracted to them, within the first five minutes of meeting. We have increidble perception- if girls are not completely running from you – it means she thinks there is a chance. And then the test becomes how will you deal with the feelings in your gut? How well will you led? How much will you surprise her by speaking out the things she already knows your feeling. Let me tell you, men, you can win her over by the way you subtly romance her – and right in the moment f you think she might reciprocate you feelings- its probably because she will. She [the universal feminine ‘she’ that is] follows. When your both having awkward “oh we just looked at each other at the same time” thing, awkward pauses, her being frozen, her shutting down or her being too dominate -> all of these thigns are your fault, because you are not putting yourself out there, youre not risking anything, you are living in the fear of rejection and you are the head, you are Christ in this metaphor, he came down fully knowing that most of the world would reject him. Put it on the line, buddy. If you get the sense she’s not running, you probably have got a shot.

December 3: Lord, you did absolutely everything. You are everything – your burden is light. You are so worthy and beautiful. I’ll look up, up, up for You. Peace, peace, peace. Lord, I am YOURS. This night is yours – worship unto your name. Thank you so much for Jessica, Chris Watts, and Anne. How fun. You see invisible doors.

December 4: This is so You and if you took it back – I’d keep on moving on with You relatively easy. My heart is not all fused to his – maybe thats not all supposed to happen yet. All this is so easy here with you is the best – when I’m with Him I can love other people more and you more -that has to be the point, Right? So God, looks like there is not much long-term planning or fretting or stressing to be done – those are anti-gospel, aren’t they? We are still living in your freedom, not knowing but figuring and enjoying. Chill. Just help me to always feel what I should. He is making me laugh all the time- what else matters?  It looks so beautiful outside. Let me drink and feel deeply. Coming from your throne.

Thats all I can muster right now.

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