A Poem for my Destroyer

Pores stream rust. Rip, rut, rot. My hands choose the spike and then my spirit rots.  Rip, rut, rot and rust. I watch frozen, but beating. I hear your whisper, but you are the reason my flesh is wild. You brought this rotting to the surface. Why, o Lord, would I listen to you if you have demanded this storm to beat in my veins? It rips and roars inside of my spirit. Lover, it hurts. It has left me emptied. Rips and roars. It has destroyed my other lovers. They have all gone and I do not expect them to return. I am a woman of unclean lips. I have defiled my body and theirs with my tongue.

Still the persistence whispers “Go find the trees in Gilead, the Tree for The Healing of the Nations.”

You call me to journey to the hills across the Jordan. You have destroyed me and return only to chide my pain.I am glass and you shatter me with Your breath. I try bitterly to hold back, but the tears surfaces from the burning in my heart, falling to the dust while You watch. You watch me naked and exposed. You allow the storm to rage.

Let me carry you to Trees of Gilead.

A cry, All I need to do is cry out, and you, my Destroyer and My Lover, will take me there. I hope that’s true. I remember that night. I remember what I wanted and what you gave me. When we were joined in union and you teased me with our secret place, a paradise that is as far as dreams. Your bed is poison, Destroyer.I cannot live in this flesh and in Your grasp simultaneously. I am torn apart and groan in my filth, for you have placed inside of my heart a treasure that will not be revealed until the end of this age. Destoyer, I cannot bare this. I cannot bare to be in your bed and live also in the depths of the earth. You have selfishly broken me into pieces for your own delight, for your own reckoning. You spit in the dust and your moisture sizzles amongst my flesh. You mix your saliva in the earth – making a soup, a monument to who I am, to how you have left me. A ebenezer of my brokenness.

But then, you place the mud on my eyelids.

Darkness… but a different kind. In sheer blindness, light is found.

Trust.

I am carried in your arms, surprised I can feel your hands on the nape of my back. My nerves tingle with hope. Even as I slept among the pigpens you have sheathed my wings with silver. We fly, together.

You make me eat with you naked even while all my potential destroyers and lovers stand around watching. But Your eyes capture me anyway.

You burst the dams under the earth that rupture into my heart. I hear the sound of your voice, the sound of rushing water. This new spirit floods my vein.

String by string, you gently peal away my skin.

Past the sinews.

Past the bones.

Past the self-worship.

The need to be in control.  To be strong.

Like a harp, you pull the soft layers off until I remain. In You alone, I remain.

Restoration, so that I can live in your presence.

You, Destroyer, are now my very breath.

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