Real Life Looming

Stupid trust. Still, thinking, about what might be coming around the corner.

Loving how much I am learning and growing. Love how much I am being challenged and feel things dying inside of me. I wonder how long You desire me to stay here in Athens? It’s amazing that You knew that I would grow in leaps in bounds in my walk with You in this city. You knew about Wesley. You know about Jessica. You know about Hill Chapel and the Payne family. My life in Wake Forest would have been normal and sterile, I feel. My life in Pittsburgh would have been an extension of Yardley.

Here you have led me out in the desert, taught me how to stand alone and taught me how to let myself be free and exposed. I still have sooo many things to learn, so many ways I need to grow in my confidence in You – starting today with the bare feet. You have destroyed me and taught me how to live in your prescence.

I am daily and hourly shown my flesh, the way i wish to feed its desire and the way in which feeding this flesh makes me SPIKE with pleasure and then ROT almost immediately after. When I live in the Spirit and see with eternal eyes it hurts to be thrown back into this mortality, the traps of this world and this rotting flesh.At your right hand, O Lord, are pleasures forever more. Patience, trust and dependenc in You alone bring me to true peace and joy. Help me to hold on, in every hour and every day. Help me to reach for the goal, having FAITH you will be there around the corner.

I am coming around the bend – peaking my head around this wall of college and straining to see my “real adult life” where I have to make money and provide for myself.  I am seeing so many things, assesing so many options. Oxford. DC. Teach for America. Takhar. Pioneers. Georgetown – all these exciting options before me and then at the same time wishing to stay nested in our blue house, forever. Trying to stay simple and childlike and passionate about worship.

O Lord, I need to learn that you are my Father, that you will provide for me like you do  for the birds of the air. I will always hold on to the thrill of life, the joy of suprise and climbing wisteria mixed in green pollen.

I need to breath in trust. I need to fall back on you more heavily. I need to continue to carve up my day and give you the FIRST FRUITS of the morning. I want to feel you in the wings of the dawn.  Lord, please, I need your tug and your persistance to give up the easy warmth and the tangibility of mortal embraces for the FULLNESS of your touch. I need you, every hour. I need you to burst forth in full glory.

I see this amazing cloud of witnesses surrounding me, fully realizing how distinct my CHURCH is, how amazingly blessed I am to have this circle of believers who dream my dream with me. I am beginning to grasp that you have placed me in a distinct cadre of prayerers for the nations – that you have strategically brought lovers of the holy spirit to hold my hand and make me never doubt that you will PROVIDE for Afghanistan when the time has come – a time not just of chucking rocks, but a time of seed planting and harvesting. You told me by the river that day that you have  NOT forgotten your promises. They were bookmarked before eternity, “never again will they hunger, never again will they thirst…”

You are taking off my rags and for a moment I have to stand naked, unprotected and exposed. I thougt I had put walls of safety up, but they were “prisons.” You are breaking them down. If you do not clothe me in righteousness, Ill stand naked. do not let me put to shame.

I love you. Your joy and love and suprises are my everything. Keep me safe and deliver me from evil. beautiful.

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