I have turned a new page. I am not quite so comfortable with this green leaf – it includes many things which make me squirm a bit. Number one thing being vulnerability. Thanks to Jesus and Jessica, I have learned that I am not so good at being vulnerable. This all became clear to me when Jesus, in our secret place, was very very vulnerable towards me. He was so happy that I was there. He was so spastic really, shooting out mountains from his legs and such. He was overjoyed that i was around him. It freaked me out, honestly. I dont’ like overt emmotion. I didn’t like that he wasn’t being a strong God. It made me feel odd, I didn’t know this God. I had been begging for three years to see Him – and then I saw Him, and I didn’t like Him. I didn’t know what he was doing and I didn’t quite know how to react. It’s like, “cmon, Jesus, I know your happy and you love me – but can you please turn it down alittle and try to gain some composure?”
Well, when the creator of the universe freaks you out and makes you wildly confused – it takes awhile to realize that things actaully need to change inside of yourself. I don’t know if you’ve heard but He doesn’t change, yesterday today or forever. I had no choice. I had insecurities and shortcomings that I was completely unaware exsisted. For that reason, for about three weeks I ran from God. I no longer trusted him. I ofcourse, got hit with intense spiritual attack that led me into a whole host of sin and shame.
My stone heart, until recently, thought that I was a very vulnerable person. I liked getting into other peoples hearts. I was good at it too. Very few people have strong enough fortresses or walls that I couldn’t surpass. Even the old men loved me and opened up. Now I realized that actually I was good at making other’s vulnerable, because only one person in my life had broken my walls.
I’ve remembered some interesting things that I had not thought about probaly since the week they happened….We were having choir rehearsal before the big spring concert and Mrs. Chebra told us we weren’t allowed to stop singing unless Jesus came back or blood was flowing. I had a terrible blister on my heel that was making it very hard to dance in the “Millenium Day Parade.” Mrs. Chebra noticed I wasn’t dancing up to par – and called me out. Then, my worst nightmare. I couldn’t hold back any longer. I burst out into tears in front of the entire school, a girl who prided herself on never crying even in front of her best friends. So this started early, this need to be composed, this desire to not be vulnerable. As a result of all this memoring, I had no choice but to go back to my earliest childhood structure and figure out why exactly I am like this. Thank you, Freud. So, I have identified why the middle child never cried – even in times of anger and deep sadness? Why I never let anyone know I was hurt, when I was hurting. Only John Baker can percieve when I am hurt. He is so damn good at figuring it out, and even better at comforting me with jokes and concern. Good thing for my little brother.
It’s not necessarily that I don’t see myself as emmotional, or that i don’t let people see my emmotions, ever. I’ve just realized with some honest insight from Jessica – that I don’t like stream of consciousness council. I often will allow people to see what has been happening in my heart after I got it all figured out and put together again. So, my deeply emmotional conversations with people usually start with “well last week this was bothering me, but NOW it’s okay because of this verse or this realization… ” I figure this charecteristic is deeply ingrained in my independent personality. I do things alone, I work with the Lord sometimes and we fix it and then later it’s a testimony. Phrases like, ” i don’t know” just aren’t in my vocabulary. Neither are things like “right now, i am so upset about…”Or “i am really hurt by so and so.” I have been so hypocritical. I am always forcing Jessica to cry and deal with her emmotions in front of me. Lately, she’s been asking me such silly questions like, “Katie, do you want to cry about that?” or digging deper into my current state. Honestly, i was revolted by that image of me just collapsing in someone’s arms. Jesus always helps me, he always breaks in, he always makes me better. Why do I need people? uhhhh, because he brings people into my life to “bear my burdens and so fufill the law of Christ.” I know this, I know this for other people but not for myself. I found out that I am even afraid to smile around stangers.
I am not saying that I voluntarily choose to be vulnerable. Well, I was making baby steps with Jessica’s help, prodding and guidance. Then on Sunday night – the Lord broke down the walls in one dramatic swing. For no reason I could understand, when Jessica and I were going to meet my friend Judge for lunch I got really sad. My right lip wouldn’t stop quivering, I couldn’t mask my current emmotion. Even when I was having a good dinner and was relatively happy, my right lip continued to give me issues. The Lord had softened me heart, I think. I felt vulnerable to everyone who saw me, even at ChooChoos. I felt like everyone could see into my heart – and that’s what He wanted. damn it.
Just yesterday I cried for the first time in a very long time. First, I cried to the Lord and then I cried with Jessica. I can’t say I particularly loved it. Even as I am “complaining” and “wailing” to God – i HATE doing it. I felt stupid and weak, but more than anything I felt my pride burn and then die inside of me. O yes, the whole purpose of the gospel – that I decrease, and He increases. Hmm, sounds like this being “sweetly broken” and vulnerable may have to be a new part of my life.